FEED THE RIGHT WOLF!
A Native American
grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt.
He said, I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf
is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving,
The grandson asked him, 'which wolf will win the fight in your heart?'
answered, 'The one I feed.'
You've got a point!
On the 10th of September, Bin laden and Mullah Omar
was brainstorming to find a solution to save Afghanistan from economic
disaster and hunger.
Bin laden: Let's declare war to USA!
Mullah Omar: Are you crazy!
Bin Laden: Why not!, Germany and Japan did the same and lost the war.
And look at them, soon they became economic giants!
Omar thought deeply in silence for 10 minutes and whispered:
You've got a point. But,
What if we win?!!
THAT IS WHY THEY CALL IT
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new
recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that
Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had
never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room
and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed,
the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't
have GI insurance,
and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a
maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send
into battle first?"
This is an actual letter sent to a
bank in the United States.
The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in
my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the
automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I
admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and
also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents,
for I am restructuring my affairs in 2001 taking as my model the
procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no
greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following
changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted
by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter,
no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch,
whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application for Authorized
Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am
sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that know as much about him
or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is
very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only
with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
answered by an automated voice.
Press buttons as follows:
1) To make an appointment to see me
2) To query a missing payment
3) To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there
4) To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
5) To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature
6) To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I
am not at home
7) To leave a message on my computer [to leave a
message a password to access my computer is required: the password will
be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact
8) To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through
9) To make a general complaint or inquiry. The
Authorized Contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a
refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie":
"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the
vaults are filled with silver,
That the miners sweated for."
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual Contact will probably know it
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost, a cost which you have always been quick to
pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing
some costs back. First, there is the matter of
advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per
Inquiries from your Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute
of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example,
in the matter of the penalty for the
dishonoured check, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your
inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee of 2% of my balance or $50 (whichever is more) to
cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your humble client,